The day after the storm
I am drawn to Psalm 27 this week in the lectionary. It's probably because of God spoke into my being through this passage.
Last night, we got into an argument. She slammed the door on me, and I took off into the night in anger. Thank God for the prayer support I must have received at that precise time. I took a short trip, then turned around and went home. Around 1am we were actually talking again as sane people. Eventhough there were nothing concrete came out yet, but atleast I know where to work on now.
Ps.27:9: Do not hide your face from me. Do not turn your servant away in anger, you who have been my help. Do not cast me off, do not forsake me, O God of my salvation!
Does God really ever hide His face from us, or turn us away in anger? Hardly, but it could seem that way to us. And during those times, I will need to stand firm in what I believe about God:
Ps.27:10: If my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will take me up.
Ps.27:11 encourages me to do the right thing: "Teach me your way, O LORD, and lead me on a level path because of my enemies."
Last night, there were many wrong places I could ended up as the result of my anger. And it was not easy to come home right away (it's more dramatic to stay out longer to stress her out; and it's losing face to crawl home and admit, 'I was out of line, I am sorry') But didn't I commit to do the right thing and follow God's way? So I came home, and made peace with God and myself first, then to my wife later.
As we talked later that night, one comment from my wife concerned me a lot: 'It seems like the more ministry you are doing, the worse you are at home!' I was surprised, for I thought that I was a much better husband now than who I was supposed to be. After all, if I am closer to God now than before, how could I be worse as a husband. If she thinks I am getting worse, and I think I am getting better, who would be right? How can we accurately assess this situation?
After discussing some more about 'How could you see that I am worse' (with a sane and civilized discussion), she mentioned some profound insight: 'Perhaps we might have the same vision so we are driven in the same direction. But is there any love left?'
Wow. This is as Tommy Nelson said about 'A maid living with a butler', they could function well and serve one another - but is it love?
I suggested that perhaps we will need to put a "date night" schedule into practice. We heard a lot about it but we've never applied before. She didn't answer my suggestion (perhaps she was tired of all my promises as usual).
But well, at least I know which way to go now. And I appreciate your prayers:
Ps.27:13-14: I believe that I shall see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!
A husband trying to be a pastor.
posted by mar13 at 1/18/2005 11:33:00 AM
1 Comments:
It is amazing for the prayers and supports I received for my own problem above. Here are a few discussions and pointers I got.
==> First from an retired female pastor:
I'm praying for you. Several questions: 1) Would you have signed it "A Pastor trying to be a husband" at any point? 2) What is your spouse's call separate from yours? 3) Which one of those questions asked by the author of the psalmist is your situation asking? Continuing in prayer! Shalom; BM.
==> Then from another person:
As an old pastor who is male and has been there... being a husband first is more important than being a pastor. Without a stable and loving home life, the foundations of ministry are unstable. One blesses the other. TB
==> And another:
A pastor friend of mine who's been in ministry a long time and a marriage a long time once described the church as a mistress. I admire that he could maintain some kind of a balance, but he found it all too easy to get out of balance one the church side of things. KJ
==> Then someone from IL chimed in:
You asked, "who could be right." You both are because what you are describing are feelings. You feel you are a better husband because you are closer to God, and she feels you have been ignoring her in favor of the church and God and wonders whether you love her at all. One cannot argue with feelings because they are feelings, but you need a third party to help you sort this out. Is there a pastoral counselor nearby and would your wife be willing to go. I know how much you men think it is all up to you to fix it and you don't like to admit maybe you need help, but I think when love has seemingly died, it is time to iron out some things and then rekindle the flame. And yes, it can be rekindled if you remember you are committed to one another. An IL Pastor
All were good advices, but the prayers we've got are the crucial ones. It seems like we have patched things up rather quickly. Now it's up to us to make sure that the patch is not just a bandage. We need to do some more solidifying of the structural problems underneath.
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