Companion for a Troublesome Journey

I woke up depressed this morning. It started with a troubling dream I had last night. I dreamed in two segments, (segment 1 about dismissing off an invitation to a small young congregation because it was just too far from me; segment 2 about suggesting a stranger to take care of it); and from both I derived the meaning behind the dream that I am just too casual and irreverent about ministry. (And I am not even starting in fulltime ministry yet!) On top of that, the drive to LAX and what I was watching along the way was just wearing me out. I picked my mom from the airport after a month traveling in Australia, sharing about her ministry to the blinds in Vietnam. She connected back to some of my long time friends (back 20 years ago when we were still teens from the same youth group). One of them, Trang, went through a divorce and a surgery and now on the second marriage. Another one, Thanh-Kieu, had been married three times and now a single mom trying to raise a small kid. Then A. Le Kinh Luan, who I was staying with through out my refugee camp period, he is now also hanging in there, ministering to a small group, holding down a job, raising his kid and trying to support his sick wife. And the churches there were fragmenting beyond repair. After dropping my mom off at home, I decided to get some breakfast, and asked Muc Su Thach to accompany me. I was hoping that I will be able to off-load some burdens. But not really; he pointed me to the harsh reality and to prepare for it; as if he believes that I could get some where in the future. He really believe that we should operate on the wholistic-framework of faith in relation to the body and the soul; to the thinking, the feeling, and the deciding; and the social-setting we are living in (these concepts are from Dallas Willard). As we grew up in the American culture, the university is excellent in cultivating intellectual people, and perhaps very good at making business decision; but we have no clue how to handle our emotions, our body and its desires, let alone our souls, and therefore our roles in our social-settings (of a student, a father, a husband, a friend, a worker, etc.) are completely fragmented. However, he gave me an insight about what we should do in the college fellowship group. He pointed to the standard maneuvering of sport coaches when they start losing: make sure the team goes back to the basic. What's the basic of the 6 components in the wholistic-framework? I asked. He wrote this down on a piece of napkin, and said: All movements in the past will die if any of the following four would be missing from them...

1. Vigorous thinking
2. Deep devotion to God
3. Sacrificial service
4. Constant contact with the lost

Is there any evidence of these four in our life right now? How do we know that we are thinking vigorously? (Most of the time we are too lazy to think through stuff). How's the Word shape and wrestle with our thinking? Is our devotion to God deep enough? (The funny thing is that you will not be easily spot deep-rooted stuff, while shallow flowers are more pretty). If our devotions to God are not taking root into our very, very personal aspects, then it's still shallow. As for services, sacrificial services are not convenient ones, sometimes not even rewarding. If we are tired from serving because we don't get anything out of it, or because we don't see any fruits from it, we need to watch out for the spirit of "charity work". The last item will need no explanation, all we need to do is to count the relationship around us and see if we are still in-touch or not.

The problem for me, as Muc Su Thach pointed out to me, is that I am panicking too much [1]. Rest on the Word, he said. My Psalm for this week said:

You are righteous, O LORD, and your judgments are right. You have appointed your decrees in righteousness and in all faithfulness. My zeal consumes me because my foes forget your words. Your promise is well tried, and your servant loves it. I am small and despised, yet I do not forget your precepts. Your righteousness is an everlasting righteousness, and your law is the truth. Trouble and anguish have come upon me, but your commandments are my delight. Your decrees are righteous forever; give me understanding that I may live. Psalm 119:137-144

Muc Su Thach was zealous because many of us, including me, have not been steadfast in the Word of God. We know the Word, yet we too often forgot as we got freaked out by the environment around us. God's Word (His "promise") is well tried, and weathered a lot of ups and downs and it still remains true today. Even though we may be nothing in the scheme of things ("small and despised"), but we should not forget His Word ("precepts"). Trouble and anguish will come in the future, and what I need to do is learn how to draw my strength and delight from His Word ("your commandments"). God's Word ("decrees") will give me understanding so that I will live, not just surviving the future, but live fully.

Oh God of the Word, this is my prayer, that the Word masters me so that I can master the words.